Thoughts during the first 15 minutes of Burlesque:

  • Shut up, air conditioner, I can’t hear.
  • Christina Aguilera, you’ve never looked so good. Stop spending your mornings at Krispy Kreme. And lose the baby seal’s blood-red lipstick.
  • Executive music producer? Well done.
  • Why are you keeping your money in the toilet tank? Everyone know it’s safer at the bank — with just about the same interest rate.
  • "Honey, I should wash your mouth out with Jagermeister." Oh good, I was afraid Alan Cumming wouldn’t be gay in this movie.
  • Cher! Snap out of it!
  • Oh, you haven’t aged well, Mister Sister. You look like Nadia Suleman —‘s vagina.
  • Stanley Tucci, I love your work!
  • Oh good, I was afraid he wouldn’t be gay in this movie.
  • Whoa, Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows are in this. I hope they get their own song and dance.

And then I woke up in time to catch the closing number. I didn’t hate it.