The other night, I had a hard time falling asleep—most likely the combination of leftover Easter candy, a half-gallon of Coke Zero, and the stresses of unemployment. The clock read 4:30 when I finally slammed a pillow over my face and eventually lost consciousness.

Well, I must’ve put up a struggle, because I woke up the next the morning with a sizable scratch on my upper lip. I won’t be surprised when they find my own DNA under my fingernails.