How to terrify someone, a step-by-step guide

  1. Walk 15 paces behind a man and his dog, at 10pm, on a residential NJ block
  2. Forget you’re wearing shoes that make a loud and eerily hollow sound
  3. Prop a red umbrella against your shoulder, not unlike a rifle
  4. Burst into sporadic laughter because you can’t stop thinking about how you fell down the stairs at a movie theater a few hours ago (which may be contributing to a somewhat villainous limp)
  5. Watch the man turn around repeatedly before he quickens his pace
  6. Wait 30 seconds and now — yup, he’s running
  7. Feel badly for the dog he’s dragging by the collar
  8. Laugh again, you dumb klutz