A Hypochondriac’s Guide to the Internet

Step 1. Purell your keyboard. Sure, you know where your hands have been, but that’s not to say your salmonella-carrying turtle couldn’t have crossed the room, from where he’s securely crated. I’m onto you, Salm.

Step 2. Purell again.

Step 3. Consider Purelling a third time, but then remember why you opened your Macbook in the first place.

Step 4. Open a new Chrome tab. Don’t close any of the open webMD tabs — you still haven’t figured out why the edges of your tongue are scalloped.

Step 5. Google “enlarged spleen”

Step 6. Self-examine your abdomen for the fourth time. The spleen’s on the left side, right?

Step 7. New tab

Step 8. “spleen location”

Step 9. Wipe bead of sweat from brow. Purell. Take a deep breath.

Step 10. Did your spleen just hurt more?

Step 11. Inhale again. Deeper. Deeper still. Now shallower.

Step 12. New tab

Step 13. “hyperventilation”

Step 14. Remember that all this started because you weren’t hungry this morning, which is super weird for you. You usually can’t wait for breakfast because, breakfast food.

Step 15. Pick up your phone and text your mom, who’s a registered nurse: “Haven’t been hungry in a while. Think it could be an enlarged spleen?”

Step 16. Wait for response: “No, idiot.”

Step 17. New tab

Step 18. “statute of limitations on child neglect”