A Hypochondriac’s Guide to the Internet

Step 1. Purell your keyboard. Sure, you know where your hands have been, but that’s not to say your salmonella-carrying turtle couldn’t have crossed the room, from where he’s securely crated. I’m onto you, Salm.

Step 2. Purell again.

Step 3. Consider Purelling a third time, but then remember why you opened your Macbook in the first place.

Step 4. Open a new Chrome tab. Don’t close any of the open webMD tabs — you still haven’t figured out why the edges of your tongue are scalloped.

Step 5. Google “enlarged spleen”

Step 6. Self-examine your abdomen for the fourth time. The spleen’s on the left side, right?

Step 7. New tab

Step 8. “spleen location”

Step 9. Wipe bead of sweat from brow. Purell. Take a deep breath.

Step 10. Did your spleen just hurt more?

Step 11. Inhale again. Deeper. Deeper still. Now shallower.

Step 12. New tab

Step 13. “hyperventilation”

Step 14. Remember that all this started because you weren’t hungry this morning, which is super weird for you. You usually can’t wait for breakfast because, breakfast food.

Step 15. Pick up your phone and text your mom, who’s a registered nurse: “Haven’t been hungry in a while. Think it could be an enlarged spleen?”

Step 16. Wait for response: “No, idiot.”

Step 17. New tab

Step 18. “statute of limitations on child neglect”

Tips(y) for Surviving Thanksgiving

  1. Pour everyone a glass of Zinfandel.
  2. And another.
  3. Get cornered in the kitchen by an aunt who thinks you’re getting too thin.
  4. Thank her?
  5. Explain (and somehow apologize for) why you spend so little time at home.
  6. Maneuver back to the safety of the group.
  7. Avoid* all polarizing topics.
  8. *If Dad’s keen to talk about Ferguson, make sure everyone’s taken their blood pressure medication.
  9. If Grandma can’t find hers in her Mary Poppins suitcase, just give her the bottle of Zin.
  10. Oh, we’re talking about Black Annie now?
  11. Close your eyes.
  12. Helen Keller yourself another glass of wine.
  13. Be thankful that the food’s almost ready.
  14. Open your eyes.
  15. Love these idiots.

A bowl o' jokes

  • Avoiding Ebola jokes like the plague.
  • In past 24 hours in America, someone with a gun killed more people than Ebola.
  • I’m voting for Ebola in the next election.
  • So sick of hearing about Ebola everywhere: the news, social media, a bowling alley.
  • The CDC is also admitting fault for the Taylor Swift album leak.
  • Man, Ebola’s really getting around — by way of air, train, and even Über.
  • A year from now, we’re all gonna laugh about how we overreacted to the Ebola epidemic. Well, maybe not all of us.
  • Ebola puns have been done to death.
  • The silver lining to Ebola in New York is that it’s given Susan something else to talk about at the hypochondria support meetings.